Disparaging Disparities: Comic Books Vs Comic Book Movies

With The Wolverine hitting U.S. movie theatres this friday I felt the need to stop and take a moment to lower everyone's expectations. While comic book movies are generally entertaining to the movie-going masses, this entertainment factor comes at the cost of specific details and plot points from their beloved originating source. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that more people watch movies than read comics (or anything really), and are now walking around with misinformation they think is canon. People need to know that Spider-Man didn't learn how to use his powers by skate boarding, and I'm here to help.


BROverine & SaBROtooth

X-Men Origins: Wolverine began appropriately with a scene ripped straight from the comic "Origin". Young James Howlett watched in horror as John Howlett, the man who raised him, was murdered by his actual father: Thomas Logan. This triggered James' very first berserker state as well as the first "popping" of his claws when he ran Logan through, killing him. At this point in the comics James runs away with his live-in servant-companion Rose; while in the movie James runs away with Thomas Logan's other son, a young Sabretooth. Cue Record Scratch Sound Effect.

SABRETOOTH IS NOT WOLVERINE'S BROTHER. As Brotacular as it was to watch them fight alongside eachother through all the eras of war in the opening credits of the movie, that is not in-line with the mainstream Marvel comics continuity. Victor Creed (Sabretooth) was a little asshole who killed his brother over a piece of pie, was locked in his daddy's basement for years, got out, killed him, and went on to get his head cut off by a magic sword, and then come back to life because COMICS. He is many things (Murderer, Sexual Deviant, Assassin, Mutant, Mystique's 1 Millionth sex customer, Shitty dad to a terrorist bastard, Ex-X-Man, Pathologically insane, Zombie?) but he is not Wolverine's brother.


Jugger-NOT

Everyone remembers X-Men 3: The Last Stand right? Professor X got killed, James Marsden got killed, like athousand morlocks got killed, and nothing of significance was accomplished with the exception that we now have evidence that Kelsey Grammar was born to play Beast. The whole story revolved around the concept of the government finding a "Cure" for mutancy and how mutant society reacts; oh and Jean Grey went crazy or something, whatever. Magneto decides to kill everyone involved with the "Cure" and enlists the aid of Cain Marko, A.K.A. The Juggernaut. During the final conflict the Juggernaut is defeated when he is subjected to a mild form of the "Cure", depowering him just long enough for him to run headfirst into a wall. K.O.

That whole scene (as well as the majority of that particular X-Film) was bullshit of course. CAIN MARKO IS NOT A MUTANT. The Juggernaut received his powers magically by using an ancient artifact called "The Gem of Cyttorak", and chanting a neat little incantation where he promised to be a jerk forever as the Avatar of Destruction for the evil Deity Cyttorak. If you would like to watch a more accurate version of the Juggernaut please watch this instead and avoid X-3 altogether.


Typhoid Mary? More like...uuh...stupid...gross-bitch. (Nailed It)

In 2005, Fox tried to fill the female superhero movie void with Elektra; 97 minutes of soul scarring dreck that did more harm than good to the idea of female empowerment in the male dominated superhero movie genre (I personally never wanted to see a woman get strangled to death so badly in my life, just so the damn movie would end). In the film, Elektra had to save a little girl from the evil ninja organization known as The Hand. Among The Hand's fearsome cadre of Nogoodnicks was a dude who could summon creatures through his tattoos, a strong guy whose weakness was trees (brilliant), and a woman who had super bad breath powers named Typhoid Mary.

Daredevil fans across the globe let out a collective cry of anguish at the erroneous depiction of the beloved character in this movie. The actual Typhoid Mary is a red-haired pyrokinetic mutant schizophrenic who bounces back and forth between sleeping with Matt Murdock, and trying to stab him. She bears no resemblance to her movie counterpart whatsoever. Would it have been so hard to name the movie character something else? Or better yet Have her resemble the comic book character in the slightest? I suppose it is a bit much to try and find a pearl buried in a complete dumpster-fire.


X-Men: First Ass

OK there was a lot wrong with this movie So I'll try and do this quick:

-Emma Frost does not have her diamond form that early in her life. This mistake was also made in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

-Sebastian Shaw Turns absorbed energy (usually kinetic energy) into strength and durability, not energy Balls and shit. Also he wasn't a Nazi.

-Havok is cool, not some hula-hoopin' dickhead.

-Mystique is waaaay older than depicted in this movie. She didnt grow up with Xavier, and they were never friends or anything.

-The actual "First Class" of X-Men were Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Beast, Iceman, and Angel, not Havok, Darwin, Banshee, Angel Salvadore, Mystique, and Magneto. They never got the movie they deserved, but we can dream.

OHWHATTHEFUCKHOWCOULDYOUFUCKUPDEADPOOLSOBADLY

Sigh. I just...I don't even know where to begin with this one. In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Logan joins the Weapon-X Program; A group of Black Ops mutants led by Colonel William Stryker. A smart-alecky mercenary named Wade Wilson (Played by Ryan Reynolds, The worst Green Lantern Ever, worse than Guy Gardner) is in this group. At the end of the movie the Wade Wilson character is genetically modified to possess multiple mutant powers including Optic Blasts, Teleportation, Healing Factor, and (excuse me while I take a moment to dry heave...) a pair of arm-length retractable Adamantium katana style blades that protrude from in between his knuckles. dispite possesing the more potent Phallic Metaphor, wolverine manages to behead him; Oh yeah, they fight for some reason.

I'll try and explain the errors here calmly while stewing in the errant stink the memory of this scene metaphysically exudes. First is the arguable question of Wade Wilson's mutancy; in the movie he exhibits enhanced reflexes, perception, and physical prowess before being turned into "Weapon XI"/Deadpool. Whether this was because he was a mutant, or just some really cool human dude is never explained, so I can't make the claim that they fucked this up since the comic book version of Deadpool was not a mutant at all.

the Earth 616 Mainstream Marvel continuity version of Wade Wilson was a mercenary who volunteered for the Weapon-X Program in hopes it would cure his cancer. He was modified with Wolverine's Healing Factor, severe mental problems, AND NOTHING ELSE. NO LASER EYE BEAMS, NO TELEPORTATION, AND NO STUPID FUCKING KATANA BLADES IN HIS ARMS THAT WERE SO LONG HE WOULDNT BE ABLE TO BEND AT THE ELBOW WITHOUT SLICING HIMSELF OPEN. HOW WOULD HE WIPE HIS OWN ASS WITH THOSE THINGS? HE LOOKED MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN MICHEAL-KEATON-BATMAN TRYING TO TURN HIS HEAD IN THAT SINGLE PIECE COWL.


Ugh, I feel my Brain starting to hemorrage with nerd rage. There are plenty more
inaccuracies in comic book movies that I'll go into with future entries. Do you know any comic book movie fuck-ups? discuss in the comments.